GREAT NORTHERN'S PARALLEL UNIVERSE

2011-03-18T16:02:00.000-04:00

2009-08-01T11:22:00.001-04:00

2009-08-01T11:21:00.001-04:00

Cambridge Cop Accidentally Arrests Henry Louis Gates Again During White House Meeting

WASHINGTON—Upon arriving late to his meeting with President Barack Obama and famed African-American intellectual Henry Louis Gates, Cambridge police officer James Crowley once again detained the distinguished Harvard scholar after failing to recognize the man he had arrested just two weeks earlier, White House sources reported Thursday. "When I entered the Oval Office, I observed an unidentified black male sitting near Mr. Obama, and in the interest of the president's safety, I attempted to ascertain the individual's business at the White House," Crowley said in a sworn statement following the arrest. “The suspect then became uncooperative and verbally abusive. I had no choice but to apprehend him at the scene for disorderly conduct.” Witnesses said that Sgt. Crowley, failing to recognize Gates on their flight to Logan Airport, arrested the tenured professor in midair, once again at the baggage claim, and twice during their shared cab ride back to Cambridge

2009-07-11T13:40:00.002-04:00

The New Republican World

2009-07-02T19:49:00.002-04:00

Baxley,Tordoff & Hetts Carpet Company

2009-07-01T19:28:00.006-04:00

Birth of a Classic!!
"What's puzzling you is the nature of my game!"
Note Brian Jones...long before Ron Wood

2009-06-29T21:44:00.001-04:00

Thanks Jimmy D!!

2009-06-29T21:38:00.001-04:00

Fabled Burger King Employee Places Single Onion Ring In Everyone's Fries

MUNDELEIN, IL—A legendary Burger King employee, known across the land for the heroic and selfless deed of randomly inserting a single onion ring among the french fries of unsuspecting customers, is believed to have recently resurfaced in this sleepy Illinois town, sources reported Monday. "That onion ring was such a pleasant surprise," said Burger King patron Richard Jameson, 37, who claimed that he caught a blue-and-yellow blur out of the corner of his eye, but before he could personally thank the mysterious figure, the "Employees Only" door was already closed. "If you're reading this, good sir, thank you." While none can predict when or at which Burger King franchise the beloved fry cook will strike next, he will not rest as long as his evil nemesis continues placing shriveled-up, nasty brown fries in people's orders.

2009-06-29T20:41:00.001-04:00

Thanks to Paul Robert!!

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby..
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses".

2009-05-31T20:07:00.004-04:00

A Public Service Announcement from The Great Northern Medical Department..
Alcohol is Dynamite!!!.

2009-05-31T19:59:00.003-04:00

Tommy & Skipper

2009-05-16T09:12:00.001-04:00

2009-05-16T09:05:00.000-04:00

2009-05-15T22:57:00.001-04:00

2009-05-15T18:08:00.001-04:00

2009-05-15T18:06:00.001-04:00

2009-05-13T19:06:00.002-04:00

2009-05-13T18:58:00.000-04:00

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

M - Th 11p / 10c

Arizona State Snubs Obama

thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Economic Crisis

Political Humor

2009-05-10T23:02:00.000-04:00

2009-05-06T23:09:00.001-04:00

Dr. Evil

2009-05-06T19:24:00.003-04:00

Dom Deluise...RIP.

2009-05-06T19:08:00.001-04:00

Coming 2010, starring Jim Carrey,Sean Penn and Ben Del Toro

2009-05-06T18:17:00.000-04:00

2009-04-17T19:53:00.001-04:00

Mornings at the Counter at Great Northern

2009-04-15T19:58:00.002-04:00

GENESEE & DICK RD 1950

GENESEE & DICK RD 1927
Notice Buffalo Airport for bearings

2009-04-14T21:27:00.001-04:00

Disco Biscuits

2009-04-14T20:31:00.002-04:00

Haefner...At it Again!!
Man goes to see a Wizard and asks him if he can lift a curse that was put on him years ago?

The wizard replies maybe. If you can remember the words of the curse.

The man replies, sure, "I now pronounce you man & wife"

2009-04-07T21:46:00.001-04:00

Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency

2009-04-06T19:17:00.005-04:00

Great Northern Singers Featuring Eddie Sandel
Uploaded by Toonces

2009-04-06T19:03:00.003-04:00

2009-04-01T20:25:00.001-04:00

Thanks Paul Haefner Jr.

Man goes to see a Wizard and asks him if he can lift a curse that was put on him years ago?

The wizard replies maybe. If you can remember the words of the curse.

The man replies, sure, "I now pronounce you man & wife"

2009-04-01T20:20:00.002-04:00

How To Wax Your Floors Without Slipping And Severing Your Spine

2009-04-01T20:13:00.004-04:00

Everything Taking Too Long

April 1, 2009|

People across the country were forced to put up with this maddeningly slow bullshit all week.

Gerbil Growing Distant

WASHINGTON—An overwhelming sense of restlessness and impatience engulfed the U.S. this week when citizens determined that everything—the morning commute, phone conversations, getting a table at Chili's, making coffee, commercial breaks, everything—was taking entirely too long.

"This is ridiculous," said Boston resident Joe Sosnoff, waiting for a subway train running behind schedule. "I don't have time for this. I seriously do not have time for this."

"Oh, for crying out loud," said Atlanta native Ashley Rose, standing in line at a local Rite Aid pharmacy. "Open up another register if you have to. What are these people doing? Hanging out?"

At this rate, Americans reported, it would've been faster to take the goddamn stairs.

Between eye rolls, sighs, and repeated glances at wall clocks, a majority of Americans are reporting that the nation badly needs to pick up the pace. In some cases, including those where things are taking so long that it's not even funny, citizens urged all present to hurry the hell up.

According to the latest time estimates, if everything continues to move along at this intolerable pace, Americans will be left with no other choice but to scream.

"You've got to be kidding me," San Francisco market researcher Tim Martin told reporters while waiting for ESPN.com to load on his desktop computer. "Come on."

A CBS News/New York Times poll revealed Tuesday that Americans are split into three separate camps when it comes to the growing national frustration: Those who think everything is taking too long; those who think everything is taking too goddamn long; and a third fringe group that believes everything is taking fucking forever.

Millions of Americans can just forget about the fucking bus ever showing up when it's fucking supposed to.

2009-03-13T20:59:00.001-04:00

Carpet Brothers
Episode 1

2009-03-13T20:04:00.004-04:00

Carpet Brothers
Episode 2

2009-02-18T19:07:00.005-05:00

Guess the Roppe Rep??
(2nd from left)
(Mini Gene Simmons)

2009-02-17T22:27:00.003-05:00

Thanks Paulie!!

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports .

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

'It's gone!! It's all GONE!!! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!!" he screamed. 'That's not fair!! He cheated!! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

"JESUS SAVES"....

2009-02-17T21:10:00.001-05:00

2009-02-17T21:08:00.001-05:00

2009-02-12T19:42:00.001-05:00

2009-02-12T19:25:00.000-05:00

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

2009-02-12T19:21:00.002-05:00

Little Joseph

by little Paulie

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.' The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by my self with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!

2009-02-11T19:42:00.001-05:00

WBEN RADIO 930 DEC 28, 1973

2009-02-11T19:36:00.001-05:00

2009-02-11T19:34:00.002-05:00

2009-01-26T21:53:00.001-05:00

2009-01-26T21:49:00.000-05:00

WAKKIE NU NU!

2009-01-21T11:55:00.000-05:00

Metals Special Jan Feb 2009 Buffalo

Publish at Scribd or explore others:

2009-01-21T08:32:00.002-05:00

"Stop you're killing me!!
Paul Haefner Jr.

After her fifth child, Mary decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab. Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."

"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".

"Ahhh, that's really nice!" said Mary.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!".

"Brilliant!" said Mary. "And the third?".

"That's from John in the burns unit", said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!"

2009-01-21T08:20:00.000-05:00

Thanks Paul Haefner Jr!!

2009-01-17T14:08:00.001-05:00

Shed a tear for George..so sad to see him go!!

2009-01-17T08:58:00.000-05:00

Thanks Teri!!!

One Too Many - Watch more free videos

2009-01-12T15:28:00.000-05:00

Bush Spends Day Feverishly Booby-Trapping Desk

WASHINGTON—In preparation for the traditional task of welcoming his successor to the Oval Office, outgoing president George W. Bush canceled all his appointments and press conferences Monday so he could spend the day outfitting his desk with a series of traps, gags, and hair-trigger switches. "Oh, man, is he gonna get it," the president said after rearranging the letters on his computer keyboard and supergluing the direct-line-to-the-Pentagon telephone to its base. "If the 44th president is anything like me, he'll grab this can of peanuts to snack on when he's talking to the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and when he does—bam! Right in his face!"

As one of his last official acts in office, Bush reportedly rigged the presidential drawers, chair, and ceiling fan with a number of inconveniencing though harmless devices, including Vaseline-covered pens, fishing-line trip wires, a saltshaker with the top unscrewed, a fake set of nuclear launch codes, an inflated whoopee cushion, and a drawerful of pickles. After backing slowly away from his desk, the president informed his top aides that, if he can get back from the inauguration quickly enough, he also plans to place a bag of canine excrement near the Rose Garden door and set it aflame.

2009-01-06T15:23:00.001-05:00

Single-Engine Cessna Crashes Into Bush

Jan 06,2009
CAMP DAVID, MD—The Federal Aviation Administration said engine failure was to blame for a pilot losing control of a four-seater Cessna aircraft that crashed head-on into President Bush Thursday. According to the FAA report, the nose of the Cessna 350 impacted with the president's face at 110 mph, instantly killing pilot James Morris, 45. Bush reportedly suffered third-degree burns on 95 percent of his body, a broken spine, 20 shattered ribs, one collapsed lung, a basilar skull fracture, and minor leakage of cerebrospinal fluid. Bush, who had been hiking alone in an isolated region of the 125-acre presidential retreat before the accident, was trapped under the burning engine block for 45 minutes before rescue crews reached the crash site. While doctors said they worked swiftly to remove the smoldering wreckage from the president's body, much of the plane's burning debris had already fused to his skeleton before he could be airlifted from the scene. Bush is resting comfortably at Bethesda Naval Hospital.

2008-12-31T09:33:00.001-05:00

Thanks Incredibill!!!!

The Polish Polar Bear Club

2008-12-17T21:41:00.002-05:00

Thanks George W....Let's hand more billions to Wall Street so they can sock it away in offshore accounts and NOT ease up the credit crisis!!
Check out your payroll taxes...We'll bet they are a lot more than 1%...But then again we are not Bernard Madoff who managed to stiff people to the tune of 50 Billion dollars!!! And the southern Republicans won't bail out the blue collar Auto industry???
"Where have you gone Barack O'Bama? Our nation turns it's lonely eyes to you!!"

Goldman Sachs’s Tax Rate Drops to 1%, or $14 Million

By Christine Harper

Dec. 16 (Bloomberg) -- Goldman Sachs Group Inc., which got $10 billion and debt guarantees from the U.S. government in October, expects to pay $14 million in taxes worldwide for 2008 compared with $6 billion in 2007.

The company’s effective income tax rate dropped to 1 percent from 34.1 percent, New York-based Goldman Sachs said today in a statement. The firm reported a $2.3 billion profit for the year after paying $10.9 billion in employee compensation and benefits.

Goldman Sachs, which today reported its first quarterly loss since going public in 1999, lowered its rate with more tax credits as a percentage of earnings and because of “changes in geographic earnings mix,” the company said.

The rate decline looks “a little extreme,” said Robert Willens, president and chief executive officer of tax and accounting advisory firm Robert Willens LLC.

“I was definitely taken aback,” Willens said. “Clearly they have taken steps to ensure that a lot of their income is earned in lower-tax jurisdictions.”

U.S. Representative Lloyd Doggett, a Texas Democrat who serves on the tax-writing House Ways and Means Committee, said steps by Goldman Sachs and other banks shifting income to countries with lower taxes is cause for concern.

“This problem is larger than Goldman Sachs,” Doggett said. “With the right hand out begging for bailout money, the left is hiding it offshore.”

In the first nine months of the fiscal year, Goldman had planned to pay taxes at a 25.1 percent rate, the company said today. A fourth-quarter tax credit of $1.48 billion was 41 percent of the company’s pretax loss in the period, higher than many analysts expected. David Trone, an analyst at Fox-Pitt Kelton Cochran Caronia Waller, expected the fourth-quarter tax credit to be 28 percent.

The tax-rate decline may raise some eyebrows because of the support the U.S. government has provided to Goldman Sachs and other companies this year, Willens said.

“It’s not very good public relations,” he said.

2008-12-17T20:55:00.000-05:00

Thanks Grampa Dick....I mean Bernie...as in "Weekend at"

Subject: Fourth Grader


  One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their
fathers did for a living.

  All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic,
businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer and so
forth.

 However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so
when the teacher prodded him about his father, he
replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay
cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of
other men and they put money in his underwear.
Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go
home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."


The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement,
hurriedly set the other children to work on some
exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask
him, "Is that really true about your
father?"

 "No," the boy said, "He plays for the Buffalo Bills but I
was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other
kids!"

2008-12-17T19:52:00.001-05:00

Next up an interlude from..Miss Molly!!

2008-12-16T19:37:00.011-05:00

Fool for the City!!
I'll get off on Main Street, step into the crowd,
Sidewalk under my feet, yeah, traffic's good and loud.
When I see my inner city child, I'll be walkin' on a cloud.
'Cause I'm a fool for the city, I'm a fool for the city,
I'm a fool for the city, I'm a fool for the city...
I'm a fool, (Fool for the city) A fool for the city, (Fool for the city)

WE REPORT..YOU DECIDE!!

Have you met Habeeb??Another Great Northern nut case

Look what the horse won at the Fair...a well fed Thomas Vanek with Bernie!!

2008-12-16T07:38:00.001-05:00

Surfside 6...Starring Knuckles and Molly

2008-12-16T07:36:00.000-05:00

From Paul Haefner Jr...

A man books into a hotel and says to the hotel clerk "I hope the porn in my room is disabled."

The clerk replies "NO! It's REGULAR porn you sick bastard!!!"

2008-12-16T07:30:00.000-05:00

More from the cluttered desk of PHjr...

It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

2008-12-16T07:05:00.002-05:00

The Shoe Heard Round the World

By JOHN KENNEY

Published: NY Times: December 16, 2008

Hitting someone with a shoe is considered the supreme insult in Iraq. It means that the target is even lower than the shoe, which is always on the ground and dirty.

— The Times, Dec. 15

IN France, of course, it’s a waffle. Throw a waffle at someone and you have said, in essence: “I loathe you. You are scum. Your people are donkey traders.” It suggests that the target is even lower than a waffle, which is sometimes on the ground if it happens to fall off a plate, and the ground could be dirty, depending upon the ground.

Who’s to say why, exactly? Some say the waffle’s association with Belgium is enough to disgust any Frenchman. Others suggest it is its annoyingly spongy consistency. Still others say it’s the derivation of the word — “le waffle” in French, from the Flemish “wafflintis” and originally the Latin “wafflibus,” all of which translate, loosely, to “waffle.”

For scholars of insults, what comes to mind almost immediately after a high-profile insulting incident is the central African nation of Chad, where hitting someone with a pair of pants is the highest form of insult. It means that the target is lower than pants, the hem of which, while not on the ground, is often near the ground and, again, unclean. The only problem with this form of insult is that the thrower then has to retrieve the pants, as he or she had been wearing them.

For many years people threw shorts, but almost no one was offended, as the hem of shorts is a great distance from the ground. “We’re working on new forms of insult, as well as changing our country’s name, which, strangely, is a common first name in California,” said a Chadian cultural attaché. “We need to be taken more seriously.”

In the former Soviet Union it is not uncommon, especially among the savage Russian mafia, to throw a 68-ton American-made Abrams M1A1 tank. It means that the target is even lower than a tank, whose treads are always on the ground, unless they’re not for some reason — say, repairs or what-have-you. In fairness, though, the throwing of tanks appears to be happening with less frequency, due to the near impossibility of surprise, especially at indoor events.

In Peru, meanwhile, people throw their voices as a form of insult. While not technically near the ground, a voice suggests “sound” and “sound” rhymes with “ground,” the ground being low and possibly unclean, depending upon where, exactly, you’re standing.

Peruvians say that throwing your voice is the ultimate insult because the intended victim doesn’t know where it came from. It is not uncommon to hear someone say, “Who said that?!” on the streets of Lima after a particularly cutting remark. The danger, of course, is insulting someone by trying to throw your voice, but doing it poorly and instead moving your lips. The intended victim knows immediately where it came from.

And what of tiny Bhutan, snug between Tibet in the north and India to the south? In this mysterious Buddhist country, perhaps the only one in the world that measures its Gross National Happiness, people throw brightly colored tissue paper, so as not to hurt anyone. The paper falls harmlessly to the ground — a symbol of both lowness and dirt — and the thrower quickly picks it up, disposes of it, and then apologizes profusely.

John Kenney is a writer.

2008-12-11T10:16:00.002-05:00

From Buffalo Pundit...

Dear NY State Senate

.....But we don’t need a Senate in New York. We don’t need a legislature that costs taxpayers tens of millions of dollars per year for absolutely nothing. What, precisely, is the value added by having a Senate? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. But the cost to you, me, and all of us, is enormous.

Recall, if you will, that Dale Volker and his staff alone cost the taxpayers about $1 million per year. Is Dale Volker worth $1 million in taxpayer dollars? In the middle of a recession? And for what, so he can get tough on crime some more? Give me a fricking break. It should not, and doesn’t have to, cost tens of millions of needlessly wasted dollars to have some self-important seatcovers amend the Goddamned Penal Code over and over again.

Malcolm Smith is a disgrace, Stachowski and other upstate Senators should grow a pair, and the 29 Democratic Senators who are letting Smith and the gang of three petit putschists steal away Western New York seniority in a key committeeship, should be disgraced right out of Albany, and all 57 of the rest of them can go home and do something productive, too.

Love,

BP

2008-12-10T02:47:00.000-05:00

Tis the Season to be Roberts!!!

GNFlyer

Get your own at Scribd or explore others:

2008-12-03T19:41:00.000-05:00

Chappelle's Show

Black Bush

Charlie Murphy Clips
Buy Chappelle's Show DVDs

Black Comedy
True Hollywood Stories

2008-12-02T22:12:00.003-05:00

Great Northern History Lesson....1941

2008-12-02T21:17:00.001-05:00

Army 12....Insurgents....0

2008-12-01T14:55:00.003-05:00

Thanks Grampa Dick!!

Weight Loss Plan

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike
running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10
lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning
and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck
that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me.'

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually
getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers
that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
pound program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most
rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a
huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and
a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you are mine!!!'
He lost 63 pounds that week.

2008-11-28T13:46:00.003-05:00

December 8th 1966..Recording begins for Sgt. Pepper 8 track US version.

2008-11-21T10:48:00.002-05:00

NEWS WIRE...
BUSINESS
Fed Lends AIG Another $150 Billion
For next weekend's junket to Cabo.

Big Three widget makers demand bailout.
Consumer Spending on Widgets hits New Low

Could Be Worst Christmas Ever, Fear retailers
Destitute Santas line up to sell their blood.

Monks Brawl at Holy Site in Jerusalem
Rematch scheduled for Vatican.

Harvard University to Cut Spending
Will return to training Puritan ministers

Bush Flooded With Pardon Requests
Many in his own handwriting.

2008-11-19T10:23:00.003-05:00

Paul Haefner Jr reports a sighting of the new Presidential Limo

2008-11-19T09:03:00.000-05:00

Python Channel

2008-11-18T15:35:00.001-05:00

Missing Beatles Track Confirmed

In an interview with the BBC, Paul McCartney confirmed the existence of a 14-minute track the Beatles recorded for an electronic music festival. What do you think?

Jonathan Dunn,
Plumbing Wholesaler
"Oh God. My doctor says it's bad for my blood pressure if my mind is blown for more than five minutes at a time."

Kitty Barber,
Radio Station Manager
"As manager of a classic-hits station that's always trying to fill time, I'm thrilled to say this could be 'In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida' and 'American Pie' rolled into one."

J.D. Sutton,
Assisted Living Coordinator
"Maybe this discovery will finally reveal the secret of 'Eight Days A Week' to me. I don't get that song! A week has seven days!"

2008-11-17T10:38:00.002-05:00

As reported by Paul Haefner Jr!!

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.

The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weighs 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around."

2008-11-14T15:33:00.000-05:00

It's Monday Night Football!!!

2008-11-13T08:38:00.004-05:00

These Just in from Jimmy D!!!

THE CHEEKTOWAGA EYE EXAM
This kid from Cheetowaga turns 16 and goes to the NY
State Department of
Motor Vehicles to apply for a permit. He is told he
has to take an eye test.
The examiner shows him a card with the letters:
C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z
Can you read this?' the examiner asks.
'Read it?' the young man replies,
'He's my uncle.'

NEWLYWEDS

Three newly-married men were sitting together bragging
about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Nashville and
bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and
house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he
came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Miami . He
bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the
cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On that the first day he didn't see any
results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was
clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Buffalo . He boasted
that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes
washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every
meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day
he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone
down and he could see a little out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a
bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.

2008-10-31T11:19:00.001-04:00

McCain's Roomates

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

2008-10-31T10:54:00.002-04:00

British Open

2008-10-31T10:42:00.002-04:00

Unlicensed Plumber and Tax-Evader Endorses McCain

Samuel J. Wurzelbacher, better known as Joe the Plumber, has publicly endorsed McCain. What do you think?

Struggling Lower-Class Still Unsure How Best To Fuck Selves With Vote

WASHINGTON—As election day nears, millions of the nation's poorest voters have reportedly yet to settle on the most profound and enduring...

2008-10-31T10:39:00.001-04:00

Lunch time at Great Northern

2008-10-30T10:00:00.001-04:00

Neil Young's Electric 1959 Lincoln Continental Linc-Volt

2008-10-30T09:06:00.002-04:00

Neil Young's 100 MPG Linc Volt Project

2008-10-30T09:05:00.003-04:00

Neil Young 1971 Massey Hall Toronto

2008-10-29T15:07:00.000-04:00

OBAMA!!!

2008-10-23T15:28:00.001-04:00

2008-10-23T15:25:00.000-04:00

2008-10-13T09:47:00.004-04:00

Thanks to Marlo..
While walking down the street one day a U.S. senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, Shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.
Today you voted.'

2008-10-09T11:45:00.000-04:00

Perversion for Profit!!

2008-10-09T08:21:00.003-04:00

YOUR INVESTMENT GOALS

2008-10-08T23:33:00.001-04:00

2008-10-08T19:31:00.001-04:00

2008-10-08T19:20:00.000-04:00

Time for Literal Video

2008-10-02T15:12:00.001-04:00

2008-09-29T15:22:00.001-04:00

Members Of Twisted Sister Now Willing To Take It

September 29, 2008

Bands Don't Ever All Get The Same Haircut Anymore September 26, 2008
Clinton Criticized For Not Supporting Local Music Scene April 29, 1998

NEW YORK—In a stunning reversal of their long-stated reluctance to take it, members of heavy-metal band Twisted Sister announced Monday that, after 24 years of fervent refusal, they are now willing to take it. "I acknowledge that we promised not to take it anymore, but things change. The world is a different place today, and with that in mind, we would like to go on record as saying that, starting right now, we are going to take it," read a statement released by the band's lead singer, Dee Snyder. "To clarify, we would still prefer not to take it, but as of now, taking it is an option that we would be open to. That is all." Bassist Mark "the Animal" Mendoza also stated that, in regards to what he wants to do with his life, he no longer solely wants to rock, but would instead prefer doing other things, such as raising a family and working as a claims adjuster in Rye, NY.

2008-09-26T15:45:00.000-04:00

Sarah Palin for VP!!

2008-09-25T14:47:00.002-04:00

Commentary on The Bailout!!
Very interesting about the 24 second mark

2008-09-25T13:54:00.001-04:00

Cake or Bed?

Paul Haefner Jr.

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,

'honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now'.

He looks at her and says angrily,
'fix the lights now?
Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead?
I don't think so'.

Fine,

then the wife asks,
'well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right '

to which he replied,
'fix the fridge door?
Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead?
I don't think so'.

'Fine', she says
'then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break '

'I’m not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps'.
He says, 'does it look like I have ACE Hardware written on my forehead?
I don't think so
I’ve had enough of you.
I'm going to the bar!!!! '

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a
couple of hours………………………….

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home.
As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.

As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

'Honey', he asks, 'how'd all this get fixed?'
she said, 'well, when you left I sat outside and cried.

Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.

He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake'.

He said, 'so what kind of cake did you bake?'

she replied,
'hellooooo do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?
I don't think so!'

2008-09-23T08:45:00.000-04:00

McCain's Economic Plan

McCainâ��s Economic Plan For Nation: "Everyone Marry A Beer Heiress"

2008-09-18T11:50:00.002-04:00